Protrusions, Proposals, and the Problems With Joseph
by ADAM'S GALS
Summary: Prequel: Adam has just caught Little Joe sneaking in the house at 5 AM after leaving for a picnic with a young lady the previous afternoon. Ben is out of town with Hoss and Hop Sing so Adam will have to deal with the consequences of his youngest brother's indiscretion.


**Protrusions, Proposals, and the Problems With Joseph**

Adam heard the footsteps pass his door and looked at his clock to see that it was nearly 5 AM. He slipped out from under the covers and into his robe, shivering as the chilly satin touched his bare skin. His slippers made no sound as he approached Little Joe's door and swung it open after a quick knock. "Where have you been all night?" he demanded.

Little Joe turned around, groaning with the realization that he'd been caught. "What does it matter to you, Adam?" he hissed. "I'm all grown up, in case you hadn't noticed, and don't need you keeping track of when I get home."

"You're 17, Joe, and you still do some pretty immature things…like taking advantage of Pa being gone by staying out all night. You were headed to a picnic when you left yesterday before noon. You couldn't have been with Stacy Marks all this while, and I was worried that something had happened to you."

"You don't need to worry about me either, and I don't owe you any explanations for what I do," Joe hissed.

Adam saw his brother's nervous look and made a guess. "You were with Stacy all night, weren't you?" He paced to the window and back. "What were you thinking, Joe? Her father is the strictest, meanest cuss in these parts when it comes to his daughters. I hope you have a really good explanation for what you two were doing or it's gonna be bad for you."

Little Joe had refused to say more about his escapade with the lovely Stacy Marks, and Adam had finally gone back to bed for an hour after telling Joe he'd still need to be at breakfast by 7 as usual. The two brothers had barely dug into their eggs and bacon when there was a pounding on the front door before it flew open and Isaac Marks, Stacy's large, muscular, and angry looking father, strode in, walked straight to the table and pointed his shotgun at Little Joe.

"Little Joe Cartwright, I oughta shoot your head off if not your privates, but outta respect to your pa and cuz I ain't fancying a trip to no gallows tree, I'm giving you one chance to avoid that all. You're gonna marry up with my Stacy Lynn Anne this morning." Seeing Adam about to rise to try to intervene, Ike had a few words for him too. "Now I know your Pa and brother are outta town now. You shoulda been keepin' an eye on this here polecat. I ain't all that keen on bringing him inta the family. I'd much rather have you. The only words you kin say right now to get him outta this mess is to volunteer to take his place. You ready to do that?"

Adam had nothing to say to that especially with that shotgun swinging back and forth from him to Joe.

"I reckon I expected that. You change your mind, you're welcome to ride on over to my place afore the wedding and swap places with him. I figure we'll be ready for the whole durn thing round eleven or so this morning. Ma says she needs time to get things ready." Turning his attention back to Little Joe, Ike motioned for him to head out the door. "You're dressed decent enough. You kin get married in them duds. Adam, you're welcome to be at the weddin' if yer a mind to. Don't try to follow. I got me some of my men outside. All that would happen is the youngun here is likely to get shot up before he gets hitched." With that, Ike ushered a sick looking Little Joe from the house.

Adam stood there dumbstruck as he was watched Little Joe being led away. "Serves him right! It's about time he learns that there are consequences for his actions!" But not knowing how he could face Pa with the news that Joe had gotten married, let alone married via a shotgun wedding, he sighed deeply and turned to go upstairs to get dressed. "I better get over to the Marks' place before Stacy Lynn Anne's pa forces them to go through with the ceremony."

However, Adam needed a plan and he needed it fast. He could only come up with one and it smacked of desperation. So many things could go wrong with it and potentially he could end up in more trouble than Little Joe was in right now. At least Little Joe would be saved. That ought to count for something with Pa. He had that thought to comfort him as he worked out his plan. At the very least it would buy some time. There would be no need for a wedding today. In fact, she would likely want to wait or at least he hoped she would. Then his Pa would be home and maybe talk some sense into Ike. Well, he better dress up in his best duds to do what he was going to do. It wasn't every day that a man proposed marriage. He could only hope that if he offered to marry Stacy's oldest sister, it might be a bargaining chip. Margaret was waiting for her long lost love to get out of prison. Ike wasn't happy about that but Margaret wouldn't want to marry him or at least he hoped she wouldn't and was still set on marrying her convict love. He hoped to create such confusion that the whole thing would take some time to straighten out and in the end, hopefully, neither he nor Little Joe was going to be married. At least he prayed that was the way it was going to turn out.

When he arrived at the Marks house, Adam saw Ike's sons guarding the wood shed, and he figured that's where Little Joe was being held. He walked up to Ike, trying to act more sure of himself than he was feeling. "I'd like to speak to Margaret." He tried to act bold with the glaring man.

"What fer?"

"I'd like to ask for her hand in marriage, and if she agrees, we could plan a double ceremony for a little later when my father gets back. He deserves the chance to see his sons say, "I do.'"

"That ain't happenin' mister. Maggie's promised to that feller, named Smith what's in the territorial prison. He's a no account just like yer brother, but he'll do." He lowered his voice. "He robbed that stage and they never did find the money. He'll be out soon, and he'll be a rich man – with cash, not like you Cartwrights who got land but not so much free capital." He grabbed Adam's arm. "I'll extend the same deal as before. You marry Stacy and we'll do as you want…wait til your Pa comes back and do a real weddin'… that he'll pay for of course."

"All right. I'll do it, but I'll take Joe home now." Adam gritted his teeth, balled his fist, and swallowed the bile that was sticking in his throat.

Ike laughed loud and long. "No, you won't! I know you're just a schemin' agin me, so I'll keep that youngest one here until the wedding, so's you can't get outta this."

Adam's stomach contents were racing towards his lips with this turn of events and fate, but he had no choice but to live to fight again later. "I expected you wouldn't let him go. But I'd like to talk to my brother, and then my bride to be." He tried to grin rakishly. "I need to ask Joe to be my best man."

With Ike's go ahead, Adam was allowed into the shed. Little Joe looked sheepish and afraid, but Adam had no time to make the kid feel better. He told him of the change in plans and said, "I'll let Roy know about this somehow, but I'm betting I'm going to be tailed, and Ike won't let me get to town much less to the sheriff. Now," he demanded. "Just what did happen last night to get you into this mess?"

Joe, having loss his sheepishness, grinned at Adam. "Big brother, didn't you always tell us that a gentleman doesn't tell what goes on between a man and his woman?"

"Now is not the time for you to develop any attributes of a gentleman! This is serious and now I am facing a possible marriage to a young girl whom I don't even really know let alone have feelings for just to save you! Just think about how you are going to explain this to Pa and tell me exactly what happened last night!"

Joe lost the cavalier attitude when having to explain all of this to Pa was mentioned. "Stacy and I headed out to the lake for the picnic – Hop Sing outdid himself when he packed the lunch – and everything was perfect. After we finished eating, we laid under the tree and were getting to know each other better when we felt raindrops. We ran to the buggy and were hightailing it towards the house when the dang horse tripped in a gopher hole. He went lame and we knew we couldn't force him to go any farther so we went to that line shack closest to the lake and sorta fell asleep while waiting for the rain to stop and the swelling in the horse's leg to go down."

"What else happened between the time you got to that line shack and you fell asleep? And you better tell me everything!"

"N-n-n-othing," stammered Joe, not able to look Adam in the eye.

"Hmmph! Ike may be totally unreasonable where Stacy is concerned but something has him convinced that a wedding is necessary to save Stacy's honor. Come clean Joe."

"Nothin' happened, Adam, I swear." Joe looked away. "Well except for when we were starting back to her house and she sort of tripped, and I grabbed for her, and ended up with my hands on her…um…ah…frontal protusions."

"What? Adam asked, but then began to picture what had happened. "You mean you grabbed her, ah…" He cupped his hands at the front of his chest."

Joe winced. "Yeah, and then when I pulled away, the button on my jacket snagged the material and sort of ripped her dress…" He smiled wanly. "Over those same protrusions. And well, she got upset and ran all the way back to her place. I thought she'd calmed down, but I guess she didn't."

The older brother sighed. "I know I shouldn't believe you, but I do. Stay put and I'll figure something out."

Adam left Joe and went to the house asking that Stacy walk with him. "I talked to my brother, and he says nothing serious happened last night…that he, ah, made contact with you accidentally. I need to know what you told your father."

She was a pretty girl, but not bright. "Pa told me yer gonna marry me stead of Little Joe. I like that idea. You're older and more handsome. Joe's such a boy."

Adam groaned silently. "Please tell me what your pa thinks the two of you did."

"He touched me here." She pointed to her chest. "And now I might have a little'un."

"What?" he said for the second time in a very short period. "Are you serious?" Adam didn't know what to do. He wasn't about to give this young woman the necessary talk concerning physical unions, but he couldn't let this stand as it was either. "Stacy, you can't get in a family way from the mere touch of someone's hand. You live on a farm. You must have seen animals…."

"I seen a lot of animals all the time. What does that have to do with Joe and me?"

The groan was audible this time. He wondered how he'd gotten into this mess, and whether he could get out of it. "I'll come back another day."

"My pa says yer pa gets home end of the week, and we'll be married then. I never knew a buggy ride would catch me a good husband like you!"

On the way back, Adam could already hear his father telling him what he should have done. He should have talked to Joe and to the young lady before he made any promises. Now he had proposed marriage. Joe was going to be held hostage against him keeping that promise. His father was going to come home and Adam was going to have to tell him the whole story. He couldn't do it. He couldn't allow himself to be saved from this mess by his father. He absolutely couldn't be treated as a child. He was twenty-nine years old. There was no possible way he would allow his father to rescue him from this situation so he was going to have to rescue himself. Joe was already free of the threat of marriage so all he had to do was get Stacy to reject him. He thought that wouldn't be too hard to do. She didn't seem too bright. He began to think about what he ought to do. He had thoughts rolling through his mind when he bid Ike goodbye and told him he'd be back that evening to spend some time with his bride-to-be. Ike looked pleased. Adam smiled a sickly smile.

True to his word, Adam was back at six. He asked to walk with Stacy and her parents smiled broadly as they nodded. He offered Stacy his arm and they walked outside. As they walked, he kept as little contact with her as possible until they got to a bench where he asked her to sit.

"Now, Stacy, I'm hoping that our first is going to be a boy so I can name him Adam."

"Oh, I'd like that too."

"Then, I'd like to name the next one Benjamin after my father, and the third Charles or Charlene if it's a girl, and then . . ."

"Wait, wait, how many of them kids are you wantin', Adam Cartwright?"

"I thought twenty-six would be good so I could name one for each letter of the alphabet. I like to keep things orderly."

"Thar's twenty-six letters in the alphabet?"

"Yes."

"And you want a young'un for each one?" Adam smiled, but Stacy suddenly had a great desire to go back into the house. She said she was feeling 'poorly' and thought perhaps her mother might be able to help her. Adam escorted her back to the house before he took his leave. As he rode home, he smiled. Part one had worked out very well.

Sam, one of the Ponderosa hands met Adam as he rode into the yard. "Hey, Mr. Cartwright. I just came from town and saw Ike Jr. there. He says you're gonna marry his sister, Stacy."

Adam paled as he realized word was getting out about the upcoming nuptials. "Not if I can help it, Sam. There's been a misunderstanding."

One of Sam's eyes dipped dangerously close to his scowling lips. "Why'd you say it that way? Whadaya have against her?"

"I have nothing against her or any of the Marks family. But I don't wish to marry into it; not like this anyway." Adam liked to study human nature and he was watching Sam's face with great interest. He had to wonder why he was defending this young woman's honor. His plan took a new turn. "But I suppose I'll go ahead with it since Ike will force it. She's not happy about it either. Seem's she's got feelings for some other cowboy, but she's kind of caught up in this too."

Sam's face turned red. "Is it true what Ike Jr. said. Did your brother keep her out all night and…"

Adam cut him off. "And nothing. I trust my brother, and he told me the horse injured its leg, and they were delayed. Stacy's honor was not compromised in any way. She is still pure as the first snows of winter. But you know Ike. He never lets facts interfere with what he's decided is the truth."

The next day, Adam returned to the Marks' home and once again asked to speak to Stacy, keeping his distance as before. "I've been thinking all night about our conversation…sweetheart." Adam had to turn away as he cringed. "Maybe I'm being too hasty in our procreation goals, and since I've been to college, I'd like my wife to be better educated too, so the first thing you'll do is go back to school."

Stacy frowned. "But I only been to the 4th grade, Adam. You don't 'spect me to go back to that schoolhouse with all them little kids!"

"That's exactly what I expect. And when you graduate from there, we'll move to San Francisco and you can go to college. Why you'll be an expert in Shakespeare and Beethoven in no more than 10 years of schooling. Then we'll start our big family."

Stacy ran to her father who'd been watching them from a distance. "I don't want to marry Adam Cartwright!" she screamed at him. She gave him a rambling explanation about children and alphabets and "guys with fancy names."

Ike walked to Adam. "I figgered you had somethin' up yer sleeve. And you got yer wish. Stacy don't want to marry you, so I told my sons to get yer brother out. He's gonna marry my daughter this minute, and there ain't nothing you can do to stop it. I knew you were up to no good, so I had Ike Jr. go to town and arrange fer the judge to come out. He's expected in 20 minutes.

A half hour later, Little Joe was pale as he stood next to his bride to be. The judge had already gotten an "I do" from Stacy and was waiting for Joe to make a similar vow, when a group of hands from the Ponderosa rode in interrupting the ceremony. Sam rushed to the nuptials in progress and said he thought maybe he might want to marry Stacy or at least he could court her to see if they could get along well enough to marry. The judge asked Little Joe if he wanted to marry Stacy and he said he was only doing it because Ike had threatened his life. Adam ignored most of that and talked only to Sam.

"That's a great idea, Sam. You marry her and bring her back to the ranch. We can let Hop Sing go then."

"Adam, we can't . . . " Little Joe got such a fierce glare from Adam then that he felt he had been slapped physically. Any other words froze in his throat. He had the feeling if he said anything, his oldest brother was going to make him pay. He had seen Adam fight, and he didn't want to be on the receiving end of that. He shut up. It was one of the few wise decisions he had ever made in his young life.

Adam continued. "It'll be a lot cheaper having Stacy doing all the cooking and the laundry. It might get to be a little strange when she has to come along on the cattle drives to handle the cooking and drive the chuckwagon, but we'll manage. You know how Pa likes to save a few bucks when he can."

Ike was standing there and seemed not to have any idea what to say. That was a miracle by itself. To Isaac Marks, it had all seemed so simple only a couple of days earlier. He had planned to have his daughter marry Little Joe Cartwright or have the Cartwrights offer a huge sum of money to buy Little Joe out of the dilemma. Instead, Adam had stepped in to offer to marry instead which had seemed a good alternative until that turned into a fiasco. Now this was even worse. Dealing with this Adam Cartwright was like trying to box with a wasp nest. There was no way to win. One look at his wife told him there was going to be hell to pay if he didn't get Stacy out of this latest marriage proposal. Unfortunately the only way to do that was to let Little Joe off the hook entirely. He hated to do that, but he couldn't see another way out of the mess.

"All right, Adam, I guess we can jest say this was all a big misunderstanding and let it go at that, dontcha think?"

"Yes, Ike, I think we can. Of course, there is the cost of Little Joe's lodging and meals. I wouldn't want to have you thinking we would want you to absorb that cost."

"Huh?"

"You had to pay for his food and 'protecting' him and so on. How does ten dollars seem for that? Fair enough?"

Once more, the avarice in Ike rose to the top. "How about twenty and we call it square?"

Reluctantly, Adam dug in his pocket for the coins. "And we don't have to tell anyone about Little Joe's unfortunate troubles here, now do we?"

"Nah, I won't say a word about the boy and ruin his reputation not that it's all that good to begin with."

Thinking he had resolved everything satisfactorily, Adam left with Little Joe. The rest of the week went well with Little Joe contrite and well behaved. He was so grateful to Adam that he didn't give him any more trouble. At the end of the week, Ben arrived home with Hoss and Hop Sing in tow. They came home via Virginia City, and Ben had a few questions for Adam when he first entered the house with a glowering Hoss standing at one side and a furious Hop Sing at the other.

"Adam, we were just in town and heard this story about how you paid money to get out of a marriage proposal to Stacy Marks. Her father said you were going to bring her here to replace Hop Sing? He seemed quite pleased to have your twenty dollars to spend at the Bucket of Blood. Said it was the easiest money he ever earned. Son, I thought you were smarter than that?" Ben had a bemused expression knowing there was a good story and waiting to hear it especially from Adam who was looking decidedly unhappy about the whole situation. Adam didn't know what else to do so he began with the truth.

"Well, Pa, about five in the morning a week ago . . ."

Little Joe was coming in the door to greet his father and brother. He heard that and knew he was going to be in big trouble. He was angry at Adam for tattling on him. He turned and headed for the stable proving once more proving that at seventeen, he was still in need of some guidance. He would get it later that night from his father.


End file.
